If you work a desk job and you love it, then you have mastered a skill in which I fail. I tried for a while to find peace and happiness in what the world sees as a “normal” job, but after a few months I found myself itching for something else. And if you asked all my bosses over the last ten years, they’d probably tell you they were itching for me to do something different as well.
Here are a few Reasons Why:
1) I Get Easily Lost In Daydreaming
You know that glazed over look a person gets when they’re lost in thought? That looks is constantly plastered on my face. I’m stuck in my imagination, which is great for being a writer, but terrible for being most other things.
“Oh, you said you needed those reports that have been sitting on my desk for a week by this morning? The same reports that are still sitting on my desk because every time I sit down to work on them I forget that my desk isn’t a pirate ship currently under siege from the infamous terror that goes by the name of Sammy “Rum Drunk” Manhire, who is trying to steal the gold we just borrowed from Black Ghost William and his half-blind crew. And by borrow I mean steal. And by steal I mean slit all their throats like a proper pirate does. But that isn’t really important to the story line, the real twist here is that my first mate, Pearl Welch, the most beautiful and dangerous woman with a small knife for a hand on the high seas, happens to be Sammy “Rum Drunk” Manhire’s daughter, which no one saw coming and it’s creating issues for her as she’s trying to slice his throat. Typical pirate family drama… wait… what were we even talking about to being with?”
2) I’m Known to Spontaneously Bust in to Full-On Disney Musical Theater
Unless you’re planning to star on Broadway or in a movie musical, it isn’t a good idea to burst into random song at the drop of a hat, especially when that song goes along with a heart warming Disney plot with colorful animated characters. Unfortunately, something is wrong with my brain, so even though I’m aware that singing “Be Our Guest” at the top of my lungs at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, on a Wednesday, while the office is filled with people, is not the right choice; it still seems to be the choice I make. Can you really blame me? It’s impossible to resist the toe-tapping tune of “Let it Go”! I’m really a victim here! It’s Disney and their impossibly infectious sing-a-long melodies that are to blame! Word of advice: telling this to your boss doesn’t get you off the hook.
3) I’m Probably Plotting The Death of all my Coworkers
Everyone encounters hostile situations at work, either with co-workers or customers. It’s unavoidable. Thankfully the self-help industry is filled with books on ways to Make Friends and Influence People… my solution never ends up in one of those books. It isn’t really my fault that plotting the death of everyone that ever pissed me off is my natural reaction… I’m a writer for heavens sake. I’d never actually go through with me ingenious plans (though if I did, I probably wouldn’t get caught). Plotting your death just helps me blow off steam. It helps me walk through the anger when I can imagine a situation in which you end up fatally injured and stuffed into a trunk… no a trash bin… maybe a wood-chipper?
I think an icicle is the perfect weapon, afterward it melts, evidence and all.
Wow… I just got super side tracked. Please referrer back to reason number one.
4) Small Talk Gives Me Panic Attacks
Let me set the scene for you: It’s nearly lunchtime, there is a group of co-workers heading to grab a burrito at the nearest Chipotle and talk about office gossip, which is incredibly thrilling (she said with heavy sarcasm), and one of them pops their head into your office and asks, with way too much pep, if you’d like to join. The room freezes. Join? Like go eat with them, and talk about whether or not Brendan should go out with Toni from finance, even though he just got out of a relationship with Stephanie from accounting. Or what if they ask me what I do with my free time and it slips that I often name characters after them that end up in wood-chippers? Or that I plan to watch re-runs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the 100th time this weekend, and no I don’t want to go to Kelsey’s birthday party on Saturday because then I’ll have to stand in a room filled with people and pretend I’m not consciously willing myself not to jump from the second floor, and yes I do count my cat as my only friend, and really there’s nothing wrong with that.
So I look at miss-pep and kindly decline, “Sorry I can’t I’m allergic to… food.” Wonderful, now they are going to gossip about me at lunch.
5) I’d Rather Be Writing
In this day and age, hardly anyone has a 9-to-5 job that doesn’t involve sitting near, or in front of, a computer, which creates a constant problem for me, because Microsoft Word is never out of my reach. This means that when I should be calling vendors, or filing reports, or scheduling meetings to gain new business, I find myself glued into that beautiful white page that fills my screen with one click of my mouse. BOOM, MS Word is opened and waiting, calling me to step from this brown dull world into one filled with shades of blue that make my head spin and my heart soar.
I know it sounds cheesy, but at the end of the day I’d just rather be writing. I’d rather be creating stories, searching with characters for truth, and dreaming about impossibilities made possible through the strokes of my keyboard keys.
Giving my full attention to a 9-to-5 job and the desk it chained me to, because “The Man” owns my house and I have to pay him monthly, was a never-ending struggle. Thankfully, a year ago I took a large metaphorical sledgehammer to that desk and walked away to write full-time.
Now I let my imagination take me wherever it wants, I sing Disney songs at the top of my lungs with only my cat to look upon me with judgment, I kill imaginary people often, but it’s socially acceptable because I’m a writer, and I never deal with awkward small-talk, because I avoid people.
This is better for me, and lets be honest – it’s better for humanity.
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